my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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