i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
