I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
