He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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