it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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