are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
