I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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