wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
