Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Randomize
