Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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