Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
