So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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