my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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