I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
