In the future we'll all be gay
i don't like sucking hair
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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