We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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