She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
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