SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
