I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
