Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
