you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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