I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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