I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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