Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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