stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
