apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
