Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
