ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
