the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have tasted many bathrooms
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
