im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
