tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Alive.
So much puke
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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