I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
