i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
