I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
