I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
