have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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