Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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