yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
