Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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