We need to rekindle our bromance
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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