It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
