The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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