I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
