he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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