I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
