It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
