I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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