the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
