Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
