youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
